Many
years back, I had read an interview of Indian astrophysicist Dr. Jayant
Naralikar and his wife Dr. Mangala Naralikar, who is a mathematician. Like any
of their other interviews, this one discussed the work they have done in the
fields of Astrophysics and Mathematics respectively. But in addition to that,
the interview was also about the relationship between them as husband and wife.
If I
remember it correctly, Dr. Mangala had mentioned that she learned to play Chess
from Dr. Jayant Naralikar and over time she became an expert. She opined that she now plays
Chess better than he does; Dr. Jayant Naralikar on the other hand believed the
reverse to be true. The interviewer was amused and inquired, "if this is the
case, you might be having a tough time getting along well with each other on
this". Dr. Mangala had an interesting answer – "No. We just agreed to
disagree."
Till that
day, for me, any 'point of contention' was like a coin with only two sides
– Agreement and Disagreement. Dr. Mangala Naralikar’s reply made me realize
that, it is infact more like the old five-rupee coin which could stand upright along its periphery – the third side!
‘To agree
to disagree’ is a very empowering scenario. I will tell you why.
Scenario
1 – Agreement: Side A and side B both have the same opinion
about a certain thing. Both are happy about the uniformity of thought. The
relationship between them is peaceful and harmonious as they are on the same
page and not at loggerheads with each other.
Scenario
2 – Disagreement: Side A has one opinion, Side B has an opposite
opinion. Side A wants Side B to accept her/his view. Side B wants Side A to
give in to her/his opinion. Each aspires to convince the other about the
correctness of their own opinion; both fail. Result? Disagreement which leads
to raised voices, temper tantrums, reduced efficiency.
In this
scenario, if the two people stick firmly to their respective stands, without
budging a bit, the relationship with the other person can turn bitter.
If the
relationship/association is more important, one of the two sides surrenders before the other in order to save the bond between them. One of the
two takes a step back.
If you do any of the above, you may lose the peace
of mind.
Scenario
3 – Agreeing to disagree: Side A has one opinion. Side B has an opposite or
a different opinion. Each explains to the other what she/he thinks. Each listen
to what the other has to say. However, both disagree with each other. Just like
the second scenario, this situation too is based on disagreement. However, here,
both sides seem to have made peace with the fact that there exists a
disagreement which cannot be resolved. So, there is an agreement about the
disagreement. Result? Opinions are firmly held, self-respect is intact, the
bond between the two is unharmed.
In this
scenario, you get to achieve the dream of many – ‘peace of mind’.
Just like
making the old five-rupee coin stand on its edge is somewhat more difficult and
time-consuming than keeping it flat on the head or the tail side, so is
instilling this habit of agreeing to disagree.
In many
consensus-building exercises, people are in a hurry to achieve agreement.
However, if they fail to reach an agreement, they are even more hasty to call
it a disagreement. I think, in today’s times, it is important to explore this
third dimension. I have been trying to do that in my life…
Here are
some of the lessons learnt-
1. It does
not matter who the other person is, the sheer fact that there is ‘another’
person in question means that there will be a difference of opinion (However, the number of differences could vary depending upon who the
person is).
2. When
the other person has a different view than the one you hold, you can still get
along well with the other person.
3.
Actively
listen to the other opinion.
4.
Do not
consider the other opinion as a threat against the one you hold.
5.
Do not
take every difference of opinion too seriously.
6. Accept
that the color of life is mostly the different shades of grey rather than pure
white or charcoal black.
7. Overcome
the obsession that one of the persons has to surrender before the other
for the discussion
to come to a closure.
8. Sabotaging the association with
the other person for just one difference of opinion can
be too big a price to pay.
9.
Getting
fixated on one difference of opinion is bad idea.
10.The
good idea is to enjoy the marriage (i.e. union of ideas)
These
lessons have worked like a guiding light for me and I find these useful
particularly in today’s age of social media.
A recent
exchange of opinions with a person I barely know, took me back to Dr. Mangala
Naralikar’s reply. I cannot
thank her enough for her answer... Yet, thank you so much Dr. Mangala Naralikar
ji for teaching me ‘how to agree to disagree’! Pranaam!
P.S. So, what are your thoughts on this ? Do you agree? Or, shall we agree to disagree? ;)
