Agreeing to disagree!

Many years back, I had read an interview of Indian astrophysicist Dr. Jayant Naralikar and his wife Dr. Mangala Naralikar, who is a mathematician. Like any of their other interviews, this one discussed the work they have done in the fields of Astrophysics and Mathematics respectively. But in addition to that, the interview was also about the relationship between them as husband and wife.

If I remember it correctly, Dr. Mangala had mentioned that she learned to play Chess from Dr. Jayant Naralikar and over time she became an expert. She opined that she now plays Chess better than he does; Dr. Jayant Naralikar on the other hand believed the reverse to be true. The interviewer was amused and inquired, "if this is the case, you might be having a tough time getting along well with each other on this". Dr. Mangala had an interesting answer – "No. We just agreed to disagree."

Till that day, for me, any 'point of contention' was like a coin with only two sides – Agreement and Disagreement. Dr. Mangala Naralikar’s reply made me realize that, it is infact more like the old five-rupee coin which could stand upright along its periphery – the third side!

‘To agree to disagree’ is a very empowering scenario. I will tell you why.

Scenario 1 – Agreement: Side A and side B both have the same opinion about a certain thing. Both are happy about the uniformity of thought. The relationship between them is peaceful and harmonious as they are on the same page and not at loggerheads with each other.

Scenario 2 – Disagreement: Side A has one opinion, Side B has an opposite opinion. Side A wants Side B to accept her/his view. Side B wants Side A to give in to her/his opinion. Each aspires to convince the other about the correctness of their own opinion; both fail. Result? Disagreement which leads to raised voices, temper tantrums, reduced efficiency.

In this scenario, if the two people stick firmly to their respective stands, without budging a bit, the relationship with the other person can turn bitter.

If the relationship/association is more important, one of the two sides surrenders before the other in order to save the bond between them. One of the two takes a step back.

If you do any of the above, you may lose the peace of mind.

Scenario 3 – Agreeing to disagree: Side A has one opinion. Side B has an opposite or a different opinion. Each explains to the other what she/he thinks. Each listen to what the other has to say. However, both disagree with each other. Just like the second scenario, this situation too is based on disagreement. However, here, both sides seem to have made peace with the fact that there exists a disagreement which cannot be resolved. So, there is an agreement about the disagreement. Result? Opinions are firmly held, self-respect is intact, the bond between the two is unharmed.

In this scenario, you get to achieve the dream of many – ‘peace of mind’.

Just like making the old five-rupee coin stand on its edge is somewhat more difficult and time-consuming than keeping it flat on the head or the tail side, so is instilling this habit of agreeing to disagree.

In many consensus-building exercises, people are in a hurry to achieve agreement. However, if they fail to reach an agreement, they are even more hasty to call it a disagreement. I think, in today’s times, it is important to explore this third dimension. I have been trying to do that in my life…

Here are some of the lessons learnt-

1. It does not matter who the other person is, the sheer fact that there is ‘another’ person in question means that there will be a difference of opinion (However, the number of differences could vary depending upon who the person is).

2. When the other person has a different view than the one you hold, you can still get along well with the other person. 

3.   Actively listen to the other opinion.

4.   Do not consider the other opinion as a threat against the one you hold.

5.   Do not take every difference of opinion too seriously.

6. Accept that the color of life is mostly the different shades of grey rather than pure white or charcoal black.

7. Overcome the obsession that one of the persons has to surrender before the other for the discussion to come to a closure. 

8. Sabotaging the association with the other person for just one difference of opinion can be too big a price to pay.

9.   Getting fixated on one difference of opinion is bad idea.

10.The good idea is to enjoy the marriage (i.e. union of ideas)

These lessons have worked like a guiding light for me and I find these useful particularly in today’s age of social media.

A recent exchange of opinions with a person I barely know, took me back to Dr. Mangala Naralikar’s reply. I cannot thank her enough for her answer... Yet, thank you so much Dr. Mangala Naralikar ji for teaching me ‘how to agree to disagree’! Pranaam! 

P.S. So, what are your thoughts on this ? Do you agree? Or, shall we agree to disagree? ;)

Rangoli

It was December 2019. I was in Bengaluru to meet my sister, who was about to leave for Delhi, to represent the Karnataka and Goa Directorate of NCC, for the Republic Day Camp – 2020. We were criss-crossing across the lanes of Bengaluru, in search of different stores, doing some last minute shopping of necessities, for her; sometimes by cab, sometimes on feet.

On the by-lanes of Bengaluru city, there was one thing that could not escape my eyes. There was one thing, that in fact reminded me of the NIRD field visits, spent in the villages of Guntur and Nelapatla in Telangana state. There was one thing that also made me nostalgic about my childhood days. That one thing, that had managed to take me to so many places all at once, was Rangoli! The beautiful Rangoli patterns drawn in front of the houses, right in the heart of the IT capital of India!

I am not talking about the regular tiny Rangoli designs that we all draw at the threshold of the home entrance or the names of different deities written in front of the Devghar. I certainly respect that and I am not denying the persistence needed in drawing even these small designs. But at this moment, I am talking about the ones that require diligence. Those, that are pure art! Those that make you stand still, in awe of their intricacies. Those that warm your heart. Those that force one's eyes to take a look at the house in front of which these have been drawn, just in an attempt to get a glimpse of the lady who could achieve such a feat!

It was on one particular street of Bengaluru, in front of a random house, that a resolve was made. The resolve was to start drawing such intricate Rangoli designs everyday. I emphasize the word ‘everyday’ here. We all make beautiful Rangoli designs on special occasions and festivals. But, to revive this beautiful art that most of our grandmothers pursued on daily basis, I too had to attempt to do it regularly.

It was March 2020. Three months had passed since my visit to Bengaluru, and the number of Rangoli designs drawn? Nil.

In order to curb the COVID-19 pandemic, when the first phase of nationwide lockdown was announced for 21 days, one of the first things I thought about was the resolution made in December 2019. Here was an opportunity to get to action! I decided to make one Rangoli design every day for  the next 21 days , and I was not going to repeat any.

The first one was drawn on 25^th March 2020, the first day of lockdown. I am completing this article on 25^th April 2020 and the 21^st design was drawn today. Basically, it took me 32 days to complete the resolution of drawing a new design everyday for 21 days. You would ask me why? Well, that is because there were some ‘No Rangoli Days’ and there were some ‘Repeat Rangoli Days’…

This whole exercise taught me a few lessons.  I will share those with you. 

1.  Its easier to make a resolution, but difficult to implement it.

2. Just because you fail to stick to every word of the resolution, it does not mean that you should

 completely give up on pursuing it.

3. Many of the good things that may seem perfect to the audience, are in fact not so perfect in the eyes of the performer.

4.‘Perfection’ is sometimes given too much importance.

5.‘Imperfection’ too needs to be highlighted. 
6. Pursuit of perfection is good, as long as you do not get fixated on it so much, that your near-perfect performance does not see the light of the day, just because it was not completely perfect. 

On personal front, during the past 32 days, I noticed that every day, whenever I happened to go anywhere near the area where I had drawn Rangoli, I was happier.  It reminded me that I had done something creative in the morning. It reminded me about the goodness in me. And this reminder furthermore, made me give my best in whatever I did… And this happened many times during the day! I experienced that having a hobby and pursuing it on regular basis can be very positive for one's mental health. So, that was the 7th lesson. The importance of a hobby for one's well-being has been given due importance by Union Public Service Commission. All the candidates who appear for the Personality test of Civil Services Examination, have to compulsorily mention what their hobby is and are asked detailed questions related to their respective hobbies. Being some of the toughest jobs that can be mentally straining and emotionally stressful, the significance of hobbies in the lives of civil servants cannot be undermined. I would say, hobbies indeed provide a positive and creative outlet for expressing one's emotions. 

Talking about the front yard of the traditional Indian houses of the past, may be it was also a space equivalent to today's art blog or a wall, where the women could update their 'status' and present their art before the world!  Merrier must have been the women who drew Rangoli everyday, happier must have been the guests who visited such houses, joyous must have been the homes!



Get a glimpse of the 21 Rangoli designs I drew (Infact, I drew 20 and my mother-in-law drew one of the 21, as part of my resolution!). I wish some of my happiness rubs off on you.